*Disclaimer:I had intended to have a very different post up today, but felt it was only right to share how I'm feeling in the hopes that maybe someone can relate or not feel alone, also I'm well aware there are much bigger issues going on in the world this is supposed to be a place where at times you can get distracted from everything else going on. Thank you.*
I struggle. Life is not always easy but social media can make it look as if it is. Through this whole quarantine I’ve learned a lot about myself. Whether that be what I want to manifest into my life, or why I react to a comment a certain way. But I’ve noticed recently that sometimes I really struggle.
To many I may look as if I’m super strong but ever since I was little I’ve been very emotional I don’t take comments lightly. But I don't want to show it because I don't want those who surround me feel as if, A they have to tread lightly when around me and B can't be themselves. I’m quick to defend myself because I’ve made the idea in my head that if I don't no one will. It’s not a bad thing to stick up for yourself but I seem to do so even when I’ve already said my truth. I’m closed off. A little over a year ago I had a conversation with a very close friend, one I’ve known since before pre-k, she is one of the few who know the pain, the happiness, and the joys that I’ve been through. We were discussing a situation that I was currently going through, and she said to me “Colette you know I love you but you are one of the most closed off people I know”. She didn't mean it as a bad thing but it made me think. I am closed off. I let very few people in on what exactly is going through my head, why because I’m scared. I’m scared that someone will use what I tell them against me, that they’ll misconstrued what I said, that someone just won't understand me. I’ve built my own wall around me, there were a couple lines to a song that I completely understood because it’s what I do. “You say you build up walls, Baby, I built myself up a whole goddamn house, It's a hundred feet tall, Don’t even try to break in, It’s made to keep you out”. It’s exactly what I do. I build a barrier to protect myself. Why because I’m emotional because I don't want to be hurt. Cause who rather be hurt than happy. I’m young, there's still a lot ahead of me, but that doesn't mean I won't to turn a blind eye to what I know. I want to be open and honest about and to myself, I struggle. I’m not always okay, I have off days, and I may not say anything because I don’t want anyone to break my barrier. Slowly I’m learning how to be more open but at the same time know when to have my guard up. Life is not perfect, it's not meant to be, I can be a mess, I can be rude to my mother sometimes, yes I sometimes do hold a grudge but I’m working on it. I promise myself, that I will work to be better, but never at the consequence of my own happiness.
Always learning,
Colette
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